Restless Midnight Musings
Stained with tears 04072025 Time Stamp: 0143
With a wine glass lined with red lips looking back at me, I lay awake past the midnight hour after binge watching season 3 of "Harlem" thinking a plethora of whys. Like why hasn't it been me. Slowly tears start to fall and as I taste the salt of my bitterness, I chuckle a little. Setting the scene for my own drama I pour another glass and look at my phone and search for his name. Placing the phone down then picking it up again. Then placing it down and up again and then finally I pressed "call". The phone rang a few times too many and I quickly hang up because what was I supposed to even say at this hour anyway. My hands began to shake with contemplations of rejection and regret. Suddenly jumping up I go to my record player and turn on a playlist for my inner thoughts to tango. He calls back twice but I ignore it afraid of what might be waiting for me on the other side of the line, afraid of what I might say after drinking a half a bottle of wine. So I lay back down and grip my hands behind the pillow and just lay there for a while. The deeper my breaths got the deeper I allowed my body to sink into the couch.
I begin to wonder how many nights will I have to spend like this and I demand God give me an answer. Because after this past week's compliments, it is like the world came up with the consensus that I should be somewhere married, barefoot and pregnant. Don't believe me? The past couple days I have heard everything from "It doesn't matter what you got on, you are so damn fine" to "I am convinced you are stingy with ya kitty because you too fine not to have 4 kids and a husband running behind you." From the grocery store clerk, to a passing associate at work, to a random guy I was delivering to while Instacarting—all came to one consensus: 'Why aren't you taken yet?' I always politely say the same thing, 'I am waiting for him to find me.' But am I really? It's been two years and I still yearn for authenticity and answers from a man I know will never give me any. I turn down every passing suitor and I am afraid to go out and put myself out there because then I will be seen. Alas, there are still nights where I just lay here and wonder what it may feel like to be in love finally, because I learned to love myself so much, I just want someone to share it with.
I wonder what it means when you can't get a person out of your head. When you want to hate them but still pray for him to reach his dreams. To want to pick up the phone to just say hi but then worry how long it will take for a response or if you would even get one. When you long to hear his voice and laugh from your belly and see his pearly white smile but then instantly remember it was the same laugh and teeth laughing in the next woman's bed and probably still, lawd help me from all these entangled thoughts. I pray and say Lord help me forgive this man for leaving me with a broken heart. I cannot blame him fully because I knew from the start but my daddy issues and lack of parental guidance in love has left me doing the same dance before. To think I actually shared that with you though and it meant nothing for you to watch me tear down these walls and barriers I put up just for you to leave me to lay in the rubble. A demolition I didn't propose, my hope deferred.
"Nine times out of ten, i'm in my feelings But ten times out of nine, i'm only human Tell me, what did i do wrong" - Beyonce, Love Drought